to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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