Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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