I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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