and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
