So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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