lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
