I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
