Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
