I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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