I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
