I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
