careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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