I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
