Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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