I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
