i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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