i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
