Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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