I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
