saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I can tuck mytits in my pants
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
