Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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