I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
