He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
