Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
It's no shave November. This is our time.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize