He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
