Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
