The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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