At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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