you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
