apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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