why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
