I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
