...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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