I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Can you bring me the toilet please
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
