i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
