Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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