I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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