just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
