I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
