I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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