HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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