I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize