I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
