"it" just moved
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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