How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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