I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
