You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize