if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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