I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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