Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
