somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
