I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
