best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
