So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
