Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
