Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
