Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
