I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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